


No Matter What

by karog



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, DLC Spoilers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Trespasser Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-20 09:45:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4782836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karog/pseuds/karog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>„She'll be back...” he whispered, trying to convince himself there was no reason to be worried. It wasn't the first time he waited for Evelyn to come back, it wasn't the first time he had to send her to face danger but she always found a way to return victorious. Why would this time be any different? She was a strong, capable woman. She would come back alive. </p><p>Trespasser spoilers - you've been warned ;)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cullen paced nervously in front of the Eluvian. Time passed slowly, every second seemed an eternity. 

„She'll be back...” he whispered, trying to convince himself there was no reason to be worried. It wasn't the first time he waited for Evelyn to come back, it wasn't the first time he had to send her to face danger but she always found a way to return victorious. Why would this time be any different? She was a strong, capable woman. She would come back alive. 

Cullen felt something wet nudging against his hand and he looked down, slightly startled. A silent sigh of relief escaped his mouth when he noticed it was just the dog trying to calm his master down. Cullen knelt by his new companion and strokes his ears. 

„She was supposed to help me come up with a name for you...” he said. „Don't worry, boy. She'll come back in no time...” 

As he spoke the words, strange sounds reached his ears and he stood up immediately, turning around to face the Eluvian. 

„Evelyn!” he exclaimed, his heart clenching painfully at the sight of her. 

„She's not well, Curly,” Varric warned him. „I'm heading to fetch the healers. Keep her awake!” 

Evelyn leaned heavily against the Iron Bull, her face winced in pain, her breath short and quick, her eyes looking around but never seeing anything. But her hand, Maker, her hand... It was dark and gnarled, the vicious green light replaced by burned scars, the smell of a burned flesh filling the air fully. 

“My love...” he whispered with fear as he ran to her, pull her up in his arms and hugged her close. He kissed her forehead with reverence, holding back the tears that welled up in his eyes. “Hold on, Evelyn, stay with me...” 

“C-Cullen?” she mumbled, focusing her eyes on her beloved husband. He noticed the slight movement of her bruised hand and without a second thought, he gently held it, knowing it would be best for her not to move the limb. She groaned with pain. 

“It's all right, it'll be over soon,” he said, his voice trembling. “Stay with me, Evelyn... What happened?” he asked, glancing at Dorian and Bull. 

“We found her like that,” Dorian explained with worry, helpless when it came to his friend's pain. “We don't know what happened to the Anchor.” 

“Sol-Solas...” Evelyn muttered weakly. “I f-found Solas...” 

Cullen stared at her with horror. _I should have been there. I should have protected her._

“We have to...” she spoke up again. “He plans to-” her words were interrupted as another scream pushed past her lips. 

“Hush...” he said, caressing her cheek. “It doesn't matter now. We'll deal with it later, I promise. Save you strength, love. Where is Varric? Where are the healers?!” he yelled, knowing the situation was slowly getting out of his hands. 

“I won't...” Evelyn gasped for air. “I won't let him...” 

“It's all right now, Evelyn. You're not alone,” Cullen held her tightly to his chest. “I'm with you. No matter what.” 

The healers ran into the room and stopped short when they saw the Inquisitor's state. There were two of them and as they exchanged the worried looks, Cullen knew it meant only one thing. He'd seen too many wounds in his life, he knew what was going to happen, yet he refused to believe and accept it. 

“Don't just stand there like that!” he yelled with anger. “Do something! Help her!” 

They knelt by Evelyn and although they knew the hand was lost, they worked their healing magic. 

“It's too late...” Varric muttered with fear, his eyes wide open. 

“It was never too late,” Dorian chimed in brokenly. “There was never a chance to save it. The magic was too powerful for anyone to bear it.” 

“Commander,” one of the healers spoke. “Inquisitor's hand is in a hopeless shape. If we don't do something, the infection may be catastrophic in its result. We need to act, _now._

Cullen held Evelyn with all the power he had, feeling her body slowly becoming limp. He closed his eyes and let one, single tear fall down his cheek. 

“Do it,” he eventually said, trying to sound confident but failing as his own voice betrayed him. “Cut it off.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Wake up, love,” his voice barely a whisper, his hand gently caressing her cheek. Cullen wanted nothing more then to let Evelyn rest as much as she needed but her presence was required at the Exalted Council. 

_Just like always. No time for us, always rushing to fix everything..._ He thought bitterly and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead. 

He didn't dare to look at her arm. He was too afraid of the impact it might have on Evelyn. Evelyn who loved fighting with her daggers, who loved horse riding, who was a skilled fighter and an eager adventurer. Would losing her hand make her miserable? Would she give up? 

“Commander, the situation is dire,” Leliana spoke up. “The Inquisitor needs to attend the Council, I don't know how long Josephine can-” 

“Maker's Breath, Leliana, she just lost her hand,” he ground out with anger. 

“I know, Cullen,” the Spymaster responded, her voice softer. “But it can't be helped... she needs to wake up and make a decision.” 

He frowned. Evelyn didn't deserve it. Cullen couldn't count how many nights she'd spent agonizing over the decisions she had made in the past, over the overwhelming level of responsibility thrown on her shoulders without her consent. He felt partly guilty for making her feel miserable, as he was among the people who thought it was a good idea to make the Trevelyan girl the Inquisitor. 

But the Trevelyan girl soon became Evelyn, _his_ Evelyn. And it changed everything. 

“Evelyn, wake up,” he tried again and this time she moved restlessly. Cullen held his breath, knowing he had to be strong. 

“C-cullen...” she whispered and slowly opened her eyes. 

There was a moment of silence when he didn't respond, giving her time to regain consciousness, to realize what she had to face now. To notice the lack of her limb. 

She slowly opened her eyes, focusing on her lover, looking as if she tried to wrap her head around what had happened. Cullen locked his eyes on her face, observing carefully her reaction. 

At first, she seemed not to remember anything, to be disoriented and lost. Then, she gasped and a sudden realization made her eyes open wide, her lips part and her breath become sharp and quick. She slowly turned her eyes to her arm and as terror and shock appeared on her face, Cullen quickly grabbed her hand. 

“It's all right now, you're all right,” he said as she stared in disbelief at the empty space where her left hand should rest. 

She panted loudly and Cullen could see panic overtaking her mind. There were no tears in her eyes but the horror couldn't be compared to anything else. Never before did she look so terrified. 

“Evelyn, my love, my wife,” he tried to catch her attention, tried tilting her head so that she would focus on him but it was impossible. Her eyes were locked on her missing limb as if she had been hypnotized. 

She started trembling and gasping for air, panic attack hitting her with all the force. 

“Look at me.” Cullen commanded, his voice immediately losing all it softness. “Look at me, Evelyn, now!” 

He put his hands on her cheeks, forcing her to turn her eyes on him. 

“Breathe, Evelyn,” he ordered. “Calm down now, listen to my breath, all right? It's fine, you're alive, that's what matters.” 

He pulled her up to his chest, holding her strongly, embracing her as if he was ready to protect her from anything or anyone. At that moment, he promised himself he was never going to let her go anywhere alone. He was never going to leave her. 

“It's all right now...” he whispered again, noticing she stopped trembling and panting. 

“Cullen...” she sobbed and he felt relieved to see her tears. Tears were much better than closing to everything and separating from the world. Tears meant she had the power to get over it some day. “What am I going to do now?” 

His heart shattered but there was no sign of hesitation on his face. Cullen was going to be strong for her, just like she had been strong for him before. He was going to support her, be there for her, protect her and make her smile again. 

“Listen to me, Evelyn,” he said, forcing her to look at him again. “You are strong. You can handle it, do you understand? You're not alone, you were never alone and you never will be. There are friends who love you and always support you. And I'm here. I'm always here, no matter what.” 

She hid her face in his neck and cried as he rocked her gently, allowing her this moment of weakness, allowing her to get rid of all the sorrow and anger. He noticed everyone else had already left the room, leaving them alone and he was grateful Leliana didn't insist on facing the Council. 

He wasn't grateful he had to be the one to do it. 

“Right now, there's a bunch of boring politicians waiting for you, I'm afraid,” he spoke up. “I'm sorry, love but you should-” 

“I found Solas, you know?” she interrupted and although she was still shaken up, she tried wiping out the tears from her face. “We can't waste time on idle talks. We need to act. But how do we act when everybody would see us disbanded?” 

“What options do we have?” he asked, stroking her hair. 

“I'm... not sure,” she admitted. “I don't know what I should choose. It would influence everybody's lives in an unimaginable manner, how can I predict the outcome? How can I make such an important decision?” 

“You can.” he responded with confidence. 

She looked at him again, a mixture of fear and hope lingering in her eyes, desperately clinging to the strength pouring out of his face. She took a deep breath and with uncertainty, she glanced at her stump. 

“Call in the others,” she asked. “I need to tell them what I decided.”


	3. Chapter 3

Her hand was clumsy. 

She couldn't help it but feel irritated every day as she tried doing anything that required both hands. Each morning she woke up trying to smile, knowing it was exactly what Cullen expected from her but each evening it was becoming more and more difficult to keep up the mask. 

After she had disbanded the Inquisition and said goodbye to her friends, she and Cullen moved to Ferelden to live in peace and Evelyn was sure she would love it if she had both hands. It was difficult enough to learn to dress with only one hand and she didn't want to burden her husband with her attempts of helping to run the farm. Almost everything she tried to do fell to pieces after she touched it and required Cullen's assistance. 

She was useless. 

Of course, Cullen would never say it straightforward, he was too much of a gentleman. He tolerated her mistakes and the disasters she caused with a gentle smile plastered to his face. He never raised his voice, never complained about anything. But she knew. She just knew he had enough of her. 

And she couldn't blame him. He married a woman with two hands, not a one-handed cripple that couldn't do anything right. 

Evelyn woke up and noticed Cullen had already been gone, probably seeing to the farm animals they decided to keep. 

_So it came to this... My own husband doesn't want to lay in the same bed. Pathetic, Mrs Rutherford, pathetic._

She stood up and rubbed her eyes, trying to erase any sign of sleepiness off her face, holding back the tears. It had been a long time since she first felt the urge to cry and yell at everything but each time she managed to keep up the appearances, to keep calm and steady. Cullen didn't deserve her drama. 

Evelyn found a clean shirt in the closet and sighed, noticing it was the one with buttons. Buttons were the worst. Noting to herself that she really needed to do the laundry, she put on the shirt and began to button it. 

\--- 

Cullen looked around, making sure he was alone, realizing it was probably ridiculous as they lived far away from any other people and slowly looked at the little trinket he held in his hand. His heart beat loudly in his chest and his cheeks were burning red. 

_Stealing from your own wife, Rutherford. Not good._ He thought. 

He needed to do something. He couldn't stand watching Evelyn fading away with every day, couldn't stand her contemptuous glances at her stump. There was darkness being born in her heart and it made her hate herself more and more. Cullen was terrified. Although he had tried to be patient and loving, it never helped. Now, she didn't even want to look at him, which made his heart bleed. 

They stopped touching. When Evelyn said she wasn't ready to make love, he didn't object. When she pushed his hands away for the first time, he didn't say a word although he suffered. And when she flinched at his touch, he didn't protest although every part of him screamed in agony. It wasn't just about sex. Cullen simply missed his wife because even though she lived with him, they were slowly becoming strangers. 

He tried to keep up the appearances, to make her see they could do it. It didn't matter if she had one hand, Cullen was a hard-working man raised in the countryside. He knew what to do to keep the house running and he tried very hard to show his wife they could do it. 

But it didn't work. At first, she turned her eyes away whenever he had to run to her and help with something. Then, she started avoiding him and Cullen didn't know how to tell her she shouldn't. 

He knew exactly her trauma needed to be dealt with but he failed her. 

“Now, how does this thing work...” he mumbled. 

It was a Sending Crystal Evelyn had received from Dorian when they parted. Cullen wasn't sure whether Evelyn used it even once and he certainly had no idea how to use it at all. 

He tapped his fingers against the stone and rubbed the back of his neck with the other hand. The crystal shined with a strange, orange light but nothing else happened. 

“This is ridiculous, I don't even know why I'm doing this,” he said and turned away, intending to come back to their cottage. But then, he saw Evelyn's eyes, sad and broken, he remembered how they used to love each other, more and more with every passing day, how they used to be happy. Cullen believed it could still be fixed. He just needed help. 

“Come on, work,” he muttered and rubbed the crystal. 

“Can it be true?” Cullen heard a familiar voice coming from the crystal and he nearly screamed in surprise. “Is my _friend_ trying to finally speak to me? No, it can't be, the famous former Inquisitor, speaking to an infamous Magister, it would be-” 

“Dorian?” Cullen interrupted, moving the Crystal to his mouth. “Do you hear me? It's me, Cullen.” 

“Commander?” the mage asked after a moment of silence. 

“I'm no longer a commander of anything,” Cullen snorted at the sound of his previous title. “I need your help.” 

“What is it?” Dorian asked with worry. “Something with Evelyn? Is she all right?” 

“No,” Cullen responded and felt as if the heavy burden he had been carrying in his heart became much lighter in a matter of seconds. He needed it. He needed to speak to someone, to tell someone the situation wasn't good. “She's not all right, Dorian. She's... she's fading away.” 

When Dorian didn't respond immediately, Cullen got scared that the crystal stopped working and he tapped on it with his fingers. 

“Kafas!” Dorian exclaimed. “Stop banging on this thing, I can hear you all right. Besides, it's fragile, you can break it if you-” 

“Dorian, please,” Cullen chimed in, his voice breaking. “I need your help...” 

\--- 

Evelyn tried to button her shirt but with each failed attempt she kept losing her patience. By the time she managed to deal with half of the buttons, she was already panting loudly with fury. 

She could call in Cullen and ask him for help but the mere thought of being unable to dress on her own made her mind fill with disgust for herself. If she found herself so repulsive, how could he not see it? Evelyn was done lying to herself. Cullen didn't love her anymore, he couldn't. 

When she finally buttoned the last button, she took a deep sigh and looked at the mirror. 

She lost it when she noticed the shirt was buttoned unevenly. 

She hated it. Hated the buttons, hated the shirt, their bed, their cottage, she hated everything. Most of all, she hated herself, the useless piece of garbage she had become, the burden for the only man she dared to love. 

Evelyn screamed. She screamed at the top of her lungs, setting free the fury she had been nursing in her heart, the fear and the sorrow that ruled in her mind. She fell down on her knees, banged on the floor and cried. 

She cried because she lost everything. It wasn't only about the hand. She lost her friends, the place she used to call her home, she lost her purpose. She also felt as if lost the man she loved. 

She yelled, her voice becoming hoarse, the violent sobbing making her whole body tremble. She yelled because she couldn't even button her shirt properly. 

\--- 

“Let's get to work,” Dorian concluded. “Do you know what you should do?” 

“Yes,” he just said, unable to express the gratitude he felt for his old friend. 

“Very well. Tomorrow at the same hour. I'll update you on the situation.” the mage replied and a second after that, the crystal stopped shining. 

Cullen sighed and rubbed the back of his neck again. There was a new feeling being born in his heart, the feeling he had long forgotten. Hope. 

When he heard Evelyn's bloodcurdling scream, he didn't waste his time. 

“Evelyn!” he shouted although it was certain she couldn't hear him. He didn't want to imagine what could have happened to her but his mind sent him terrifying images anyway. “I'm coming, love, I'm coming,” he muttered as he ran straight to their house.


End file.
